Lesbian Detective Laura McCallister

Kudos to Nancy Pelosi! It’s frickin’ about time to put the women in charge. Just think how much greater — and more respected — this America would be if there had been the Founding Mothers.

And Dems… PLEASE don’t screw it up. PLEASE do what you vowed to do.

For 364 days out of each year, we teach our children not to talk to strangers. Some strangers are vastly stranger than others, but it’s best to be standoffish to all. Even the nice lady who tried to lend a helping hand to the child on the ground, under the bike, with the skinned knees. It was the right thing to do, to yell “Help!” because of the approaching lady, not because of the knees.

For 364 days out of each year, we teach them not to take candy from strangers. After all, it could be a ploy. It’s easier for a bad person to seem really nice when extending a hand that’s filled with Tootsie Rolls.

Then, for 1 day of each year, we throw the rules out the window. Approach people’s homes! Go on, talk to that stranger! Say clearly, “Trick or treat!” Don’t forget the thank-you. Then, take the candy from them. Don’t grimace if it’s not the kind you like. Take it even if it’s unwrapped, homemade, or mangled. We can get it x-rayed if it seems that suspicious. Mind your manners above all else. And, for heaven’s sake, don’t eat any of your candy-from-strangers until we check it for razor blades, needles, LSD, or any other sick bastards’ inventions.

It seems a contradiction—that one-day-a-year—and yet we are still teaching them to stay safe. It is defiance of the proverbial “one bad apple spoils the barrel.” The sick bastards among us needn’t make us all sick bastards, but if you’re a vulnerable child in this world, it’s safest to assume. Any other day of the year, they will look at me with suspicion or yell for help when I’m trying to help. I hate what that makes me feel, but I still know that it’s right. But one day a year, they’ll approach me, they’ll speak to me, and they’ll take what I have to offer. Just a treat, not a trick.

So I hope there are kids in the world this morning who savored the excessive salvia that comes from the delectable Tootsie Rolls this house handed out. There are good apples in the barrel, plenty of them. There are good people who want nothing more than to offer a smile and a simple treat. There are things that are not a trick. Maybe we just show them that one day a year, so they know. Then when they are old enough to differentiate on their own, they will still have faith in humanity.

And major kudos to all law enforcement officers who were out last night checking up on the Child Molesters and nabbing any who violated the terms of their probation by handing out candy to the kids. Yes, handing out candy is contact with children. Sick bastards!

Get a load of this: “Constipation Linked to Aggression in Nursing Home Residents.”

Constipation can trigger physical aggression in a nursing home resident with dementia, researchers here reported. In a large group of residents with dementia, those with constipation were about as likely to exhibit aggressive physical behavior as those who experienced hallucinations…

Yes, according to the powers that be, physical and verbal violence stems from 4 causes:

• Depression — don’t give a shit
• Delusions — pure shit
• Hallucinations — Holy shit!
• Constipation — can’t give a shit

The aging process is already humiliating and unnerving. Now, I gotta worry about this?

I can already wear a blue funk that’d make a drag queen swoon. (Wild women do, too, get the blues.) I’m already prone to delusions of grandeur. (Highly refined ones, of course.) I already fantasize. (Please don’t tell Holly.) And the clincher: I’m already anal-retentive.

I’ll be smackin’ orderlies before the state can liquify my assets. (Which may alleviate constipation. Hmmm… Is that why they take everything you own?) I’ll be the cantankerous old women with the penchant for the f-word. They’ll slide my dinner tray under the door and run. People will congregate outside my window on Halloween, pointing, waiting for a glimpse of me in all my unholiness. I will growl just to hear them shriek. Priests will throw holy water. Crosses on walls will spontaneously spin and stop at up-side-down.

God, I’m working myself into a perimenopausal frenzy! Back to the reality!! Back to the article…

Okay, yadda, yadda…effective treatment may reduce the risk of violence in nursing homes…yadda, yadda…

Stop the presses!

When you get near the bottom of the article, you get this little nugget…

It is not clear whether physical aggression may be related to…interventions such as suppositories that may elicit a defensive action by some residents

Well, doesn’t that offer a shitload of insight! Huh? Are some older folks aggressive because they are constipated or because some asshole orderly is shoving a suppository where the frickin’ sun hasn’t shone for a century?

It’s not clear to you scholarly researchers you? It’s not clear?!

It’s suddenly perfectly clear to me.

Wish upon, wish upon, day upon day, I believe oh lord
I believe all the way
Come get up my baby
Run for the shadows, run for the shadows, run for the shadows in these golden years

Nothin’s gonna touch you in these Golden Years, gold
Golden years, gold whop whop whop

Thanks, David.

At weddings we throw rice, not gun powder.
Best of luck. Kaboom!

For birthdays, we light birthday candles, not Roman Candles.
Happy Birthday. Kaboom!

On Christmas, we hang mistletoe, not sparking, popping Dart Wheels.
Merry Christmas. Kaboom!

For Valentine’s Day, we give heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, not explosive Heart Stoppers.
Won’t you be mine? Kaboom!

At graduations, we toss caps, not M-80s.
Congratulations. Kaboom!

When babies are born, we give cigars, smokeable ones or bubble gum ones but not exploding ones.
Welcome to the world. Kaboom!

Yet on the 4th of July (plus one+ week prior and one+ week after), Americans (even in the midst of a war) make our Land of the Free sound like a war zone, fill the ERs, spend a fortune, and make otherwise-well-behaved dogs piss on the floor.

God bless America. Kabooooooooooooooooooooom!