Lesbian Detective Laura McCallister

Spiders, Lesbian Adventure Club: Book 9 is written and out … while my third mystery still lingers, mind you. You can get the ebook here. Paperback should be available shortly.

There’s also a 5-star review of L-Word C-Word, and the link to it is in the menu to your right.

Paraphrasing this fine piece of journalism:

Man’s balls hurt.
I’ve heard this is a line guys use to get sex.

Man asks doctors to remove balls.
That’s a first, huh?

The doctors don’t have the balls to do it for him.
Betcha money he had a crappy HMO.

Man hires “professionals” to do the deed in a DIY home surgical unit.
Betcha he found ‘em on CraigsList and got the DIY plans from how2dostuff.com.

The “professionals” vanish with the man’s balls.
Betcha those are on eBay.

Man’s “groin area” bleeds heavily.
One minute a scrotum; next, groin area.

Man calls daughter.
“Hi, Peanut. Listen, Daddy’s balls are missing and…”

Daughter calls for help.
Duh! But for whom?

Now I guess I shouldn’t have too hard a time wondering why this guy wasn’t reading this Lesbian Detective’s blog — even though that makes much more sense to me than asking to have your balls chopped off — but anyway… Had the guy simply read my blog, he would have known how to fix his problem: simply attend a Buddy Squirrel Early Bird Sale.

That’s why I’m a fictional public servant, and he is without non-fictional balls.

Just in case you were wondering.

Thank God, it’s Valentine’s Day!

Mind you, I am not a prude. I am not opposed to romance. The idea of a day to promote love ain’t at all a bad thing. And who would pass up an excuse for candy and flowers?

However, if one has spent any time watching TV since the new year began, one would be convinced that February 14th is Sex Day. Ah, the objectified woman.

Where is the romance when the TV says to send HER a pajama-gram, the one sure way to get HER to take HER clothes off?

Where is the pitter-patter-my-heart when KY Jelly proclaims it has the longest lasting personal lubricant and the commercial shows that it’s 4 AM?

Where is the mystique when an international non-profit health organization says the way to say you love HER is for HIM to hear the snip snip of the vasectomy scalpel?

For many, sex can be had without love.

For the rest, love comes before anyone else can.

In either group, love equals sex.

Geesh!

So… The pope is in Turkey today, trying to fix the problems he caused with his utter crap about Islam. Yes, it is the pope’s Turkey Day.

Will it work?

Why does religion (of all things) seems to be a license to spew prejudice and hate?

But the burning question…

Does the pope’s actual presence in Turkey finally, finally, finally sanctify the term “pope’s nose” for the utterly weird and offensive part of the turkey’s ass?

An Associated Press article, Fight Erupts at Shoe Sale; Customer Shot:

ISTANBUL, Turkey — Chaos broke out at a shoe sale in Turkey this week, and one person got shot in the foot, a news agency reported.

The incident Friday occurred in Karabuk…[at a] retailer that was selling pairs of shoes for as little as $6… When customers rebelled against orders to close the store because of overcrowding and started to fight with one another and with salespeople, a store employee shot his gun into the air… The bullet struck the foot of a customer…

Now being a normal person, I am supposed to roll my eyes and make an indignant tsk at the fact that a shoe sale would incite violence. Then, I am to remember the picture of the poor woman losing her wig as she’s trampled by an onslaught of Walmart shoppers after those damn cheap laptops. I am then to do a little math in my head: women + shoes + sale = oh yeah, believe you me. Suddenly the roll of the eyes and the perfect tsk are to become a commiserating chuckle.

If I were a normal person, cuz that ain’t what happened in my gray matter.

This portion of the article bears repeating: a store employee shot his gun into the air [and] struck the foot of a customer [at a shoe sale].

Was the customer standing on his/her head to have received this bullet that was shot in the air? Hanging from the ceiling? Dancing on the dumbass Ceiling with Lionel Ritchie? Looking for a 6 1/2 narrow on the top of the shoe racks? What? That’s what I wanna know.

And… If a person at a shoe sale gets shot in the foot, I just thank Goddess Moon that it was not a sale at Victoria’s Secret (ouch!)…

Woman Shot in Pie Hole at Baker’s Square’s Buy-One-Get-One

“You’ll shoot your eye out, Ralphie!” Screams a Mother at a Pearle Vision Sale Before First Shot Fired

Man’s Nuts Blown Off at Buddy Squirrel Early Bird Sale

Bad day for gay people, even those of the fictional variety. New York court refuses to recognize same-sex marriage and Georgia’s Supreme Court reinstates constitutional ban on gay marriage. It’s not like we’re comparing an apple and peaches here.

But hey, all of those heterosexual marriages are safer now. It is the friggin’ queers who threaten the institution of marriage. Not divorce. Not infidelity. It’s the f’n queers. Damn us to hell anyway — huh? — for having the audacity to hope for and fight for the right to be human beings. What they hell are we thinking?

The homophobes will sleep better tonight. We won’t. So I say, let’s use our sleepless time wisely. Make love to your partner tonight while the homophobes sleep soundly. But don’t be quiet about. Make love LOUDLY. Shriek at the top of your lungs. Oo and Ahhhhhh! Scream: harder; slower; more; don’t stop; no, I wanna be on top. Yeah, orgasm — all of us — so intensely that it shakes the very foundation of our democracy.

On your mark, get set, whooooooa!