Detective Laura McCallister

Paraphrasing this fine piece of journalism:

Man’s balls hurt.
I’ve heard this is a line guys use to get sex.

Man asks doctors to remove balls.
That’s a first, huh?

The doctors don’t have the balls to do it for him.
Betcha money he had a crappy HMO.

Man hires “professionals” to do the deed in a DIY home surgical unit.
Betcha he found ‘em on CraigsList and got the DIY plans from how2dostuff.com.

The “professionals” vanish with the man’s balls.
Betcha those are on eBay.

Man’s “groin area” bleeds heavily.
One minute a scrotum; next, groin area.

Man calls daughter.
“Hi, Peanut. Listen, Daddy’s balls are missing and…”

Daughter calls for help.
Duh! But for whom?

Now I guess I shouldn’t have too hard a time wondering why this guy wasn’t reading this Lesbian Detective’s blog — even though that makes much more sense to me than asking to have your balls chopped off — but anyway… Had the guy simply read my blog, he would have known how to fix his problem: simply attend a Buddy Squirrel Early Bird Sale.

That’s why I’m a fictional public servant, and he is without non-fictional balls.

Just in case you were wondering.