Lesbian Detective Laura McCallister

So… The pope is in Turkey today, trying to fix the problems he caused with his utter crap about Islam. Yes, it is the pope’s Turkey Day.

Will it work?

Why does religion (of all things) seems to be a license to spew prejudice and hate?

But the burning question…

Does the pope’s actual presence in Turkey finally, finally, finally sanctify the term “pope’s nose” for the utterly weird and offensive part of the turkey’s ass?

For 364 days out of each year, we teach our children not to talk to strangers. Some strangers are vastly stranger than others, but it’s best to be standoffish to all. Even the nice lady who tried to lend a helping hand to the child on the ground, under the bike, with the skinned knees. It was the right thing to do, to yell “Help!” because of the approaching lady, not because of the knees.

For 364 days out of each year, we teach them not to take candy from strangers. After all, it could be a ploy. It’s easier for a bad person to seem really nice when extending a hand that’s filled with Tootsie Rolls.

Then, for 1 day of each year, we throw the rules out the window. Approach people’s homes! Go on, talk to that stranger! Say clearly, “Trick or treat!” Don’t forget the thank-you. Then, take the candy from them. Don’t grimace if it’s not the kind you like. Take it even if it’s unwrapped, homemade, or mangled. We can get it x-rayed if it seems that suspicious. Mind your manners above all else. And, for heaven’s sake, don’t eat any of your candy-from-strangers until we check it for razor blades, needles, LSD, or any other sick bastards’ inventions.

It seems a contradiction—that one-day-a-year—and yet we are still teaching them to stay safe. It is defiance of the proverbial “one bad apple spoils the barrel.” The sick bastards among us needn’t make us all sick bastards, but if you’re a vulnerable child in this world, it’s safest to assume. Any other day of the year, they will look at me with suspicion or yell for help when I’m trying to help. I hate what that makes me feel, but I still know that it’s right. But one day a year, they’ll approach me, they’ll speak to me, and they’ll take what I have to offer. Just a treat, not a trick.

So I hope there are kids in the world this morning who savored the excessive salvia that comes from the delectable Tootsie Rolls this house handed out. There are good apples in the barrel, plenty of them. There are good people who want nothing more than to offer a smile and a simple treat. There are things that are not a trick. Maybe we just show them that one day a year, so they know. Then when they are old enough to differentiate on their own, they will still have faith in humanity.

And major kudos to all law enforcement officers who were out last night checking up on the Child Molesters and nabbing any who violated the terms of their probation by handing out candy to the kids. Yes, handing out candy is contact with children. Sick bastards!